My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
