Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
