so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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