I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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