Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
