life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
