If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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