Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I know her cup size but not her name....
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