I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
