Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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