dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
