Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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