So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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