Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize