i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
A bitchslap is in order.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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