when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
