I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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