everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
