Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
