I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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