drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize