apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
