I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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