TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
