Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
