i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
