Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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