Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
