Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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