You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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