Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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