Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
