Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
