mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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