My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
