Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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