He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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