I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
