My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
