hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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