Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
