We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
