It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
