Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
