she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize