i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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