When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
