I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He shit in the fireplace
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
