I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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