my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
