dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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