is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
