yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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