i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Randomize
