Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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