So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
