They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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