Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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